I’m not okay.
It’s so important to know that sometimes we don’t get better at our problems, we just get better at HIDING them. Can I confess something to you? Jealousy has always been one of those things to me. It’s one thing to be envious and jealous of someone and to want them to fail, but it’s entirely another thing to be envious and jealous of someone and tell yourself, “I know they’ll succeed, I just wish I could only be HALF AS GOOD as they are..”
Yes, there are days where I look at my pictures as a photographer, the gift in my hands, and then I go look at someone else and say, “but theirs is better, I suck so bad”. I struggle so hard with the insecurity. I believe it came to the point where I subtly told myself to just stop posting pictures on my feed or to work on my own pictures because “it’s either going to be self-serving to feed my pride or it’s going to suck anyway so why bother?” 😞
I’m glad it’s days like these that I realise how important it is to talk to God, and you bet I had a raw unfiltered conversation with God. I told Him straight up that IT’S NOT FAIR. All the people I look up to, all the people who succeeded, all the talents people have, what about me? “Don’t You owe me half of that?”
But I remember that all I heard was the word CONTENTMENT. To stop looking at someone else’s gift and covet. To stop looking at successful people and wish I could be them. I was made unique and what I do is talented in my own right.
So here’s my post because if I have a gift, it’s not for me. It’s not to serve myself. It’s to tell you that God gave me this, He’s proud when I use it to glorify Him, and He affirms me and encourages me to press on when I do.
So yeah, I’m not okay. But that’s okay. Because it’s okay to not be perfect as I walk this journey of being content and proud of my gift instead of being envious of others’. It’s okay He tells me I’ll be okay. This post is for me, for when I look back one day, I’ll remember Philippians 1:6 says: “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”